05 Apr Rorschach and prozac

Thinking about terms from last week that John highlighted – wrong landscape, hold the emotion, I’m not held in it at all, the only place that’s close

Working on restructuring the project a little. Getting through all the great recommendations. I have been drawing the massive and quite oppressive cypress that touches our balcony. Dense and seemingly immutable and some of the only landscape I can see and be part of at the minute. Bit like the whole current situation keeps us protected but also keeps us trapped. Actually, painting it from the balcony was the first time in this that I was really deeply sad. Think it all really sunk in. So, the drawing mightn’t be fabulous, but it was cathartic, and I think it shows a bit of this grief (maybe).

It’s also a bit like me at the minute. It’s been planted here outside its comfort zone, it’s foreign and has little business being here but it most definitely is there and unable and even unwilling to be anywhere else.

I took a break from thinking about the project for a week. I’ve read a little, skimmed images a little.

They ask me if I feel remorse and I answer, “Why of course,

There is so much more I could have done if they’d let me!”

So it’s Rorschach and Prozac and everything is groovy

La la la la, yes, la la la lie

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, The Curse of Millhaven

Have been reading Jullien (The philosophy of living). Settling, loss, evidence, withdrawal. It seems important, and apt, but I don’t quite understand it. I’m a little wary to say I’ll read it again, given the previous chapter. He’s speaking of things around me though – autumn, which is playing out in gold just past the oppressive cypress, of 3 o’clock in the afternoon (the most defined time of the day at the minute, the minutes between when I should have been productive and when the first drink can be made.)

Evidence. Withdrawal.